Friday, January 25, 2013

Grace for today

Since moving to Fort Myers and having Lexi I have felt a little out of it.
Like I can't get a handle on everything.
Like I am so tired I can't think straight.
Like I am going through the motions of being a mom, but not really "being" anything at all.
Like I don't know where we are going in life.
Like I need some direction and purpose.
Like my goals are never gonna happen.
Some days are better than others, but for the most part I feel a little stuck.
This time last year I was enhancing (for lack of a better word) my life in so many ways.
I was about to turn 30, but I was proud of who I had become and the things I was doing.
(I guess that was my first mistake . . . pride comes before the fall, huh?)
I was in graduate school and absolutely loving it.
I loved learning about education, and I loved having adult time in the evenings after being with the kids all day.
I was tutoring struggling kids twice a week.
I was attending multiple Bible studies and really feasting on the Word of God.
I was getting to spend a lot of time with Ethan and George because George only had half days of school.
I was the one who drove him to and from every single day.
I was sleeping through the night because both my kids had their own rooms to sleep in and slept well.
I was watching tv in my living room every night . . . which I can't ever do after 8:30 here in the one bedroom because it doubles as the boys bedroom.
I had friends that knew me and wanted to hang out.
Then . . . 

I found out I was pregnant, Tim got the job in Fort Myers, and we moved our whole family to a one bedroom apartment.

And life got different - very different.

I didn't have grad school and adult conversation at night.

Instead I have a baby who is totally precious, but I have to wake up and nurse at night.

I have a 2 year old who won't stay in his bed at night, and we can't let him "cry it out" because his five year old brother is in the same room and has to get up for school the next morning.
(hello run-on sentence)

I didn't have any Bible studies (although I did start one last week that I am loving).

I didn't have any friends here.

I had no where to go to get out during the day.

I barely see my firstborn because he goes to school all day and rides with daddy to and from.

Life just got simple.

Real quick.

And I had to make a decision to go with the flow or get bitter.

I have been dealing with these feelings more lately because I am finally able to come to terms with them on some level.

Tim got some not so great news about his job this week, and I think that is what spurred me to write out all these thoughts.

We don't even know if we are staying here.

We could have to do this all over again somewhere new next year.

We are basically nomads which is something I never thought I would be.

I want stability for my family.

I want people who really know us.

I want a house with bedrooms I can lock my kids in.
(just kidding . . . kind of)

I want . . . I want . . . I want . . . (you fill in the blank).

But the conclusion the Lord just keeps bringing me back to is "GRACE FOR TODAY."

I only need what He is giving me right now.

Worrying about tomorrow or next month or next year is worthless.

God knows where we will be.

He will give me friends.

He will help me get involved where He wants me involved.

He will take care of me and my family.

When I feel like I can't last another day with no sleep . . . 

When I feel like I am buried in dishes and spit-up . . . 

When I feel like I need some adult interaction . . . 

When I feel like I can't change one more diaper . . . 

I just have to rely on His grace for today.

Cause it is there.

If I would just stop complaining and start recognizing.

(I realize the pictures have nothing to do with this post, but I figured you would like something adorable to look at while reading all this rambling).


No comments:

Post a Comment