I am not ashamed

This is a public service announcement.

This is happening this summer.

You won't want to miss it.

Epic entertainment at its finest.

Be there.

I'll be the one in my 90's get-up, screaming my head off, and laughing until I pee.

Because there is nothing better than watching 40 year old has-beens who think they still got it take off their shirts and sing with man-made wind blowing in their faces.

Nothing.

Better.

Grace for today

Since moving to Fort Myers and having Lexi I have felt a little out of it. Like I can't get a handle on everything. Like I am so tired I can't think straight. Like I am going through the motions of being a mom, but not really "being" anything at all. Like I don't know where we are going in life. Like I need some direction and purpose. Like my goals are never gonna happen. Some days are better than others, but for the most part I feel a little stuck.

This time last year I was enhancing (for lack of a better word) my life in so many ways. I was about to turn 30, but I was proud of who I had become and the things I was doing. (I guess that was my first mistake . . . pride comes before the fall, huh?) I was in graduate school and absolutely loving it. I loved learning about education, and I loved having adult time in the evenings after being with the kids all day. I was tutoring struggling kids twice a week. I was attending multiple Bible studies and really feasting on the Word of God. I was getting to spend a lot of time with Ethan and George because George only had half days of school. I was the one who drove him to and from every single day. I was sleeping through the night because both my kids had their own rooms to sleep in and slept well. I was watching tv in my living room every night . . . which I can't ever do after 8:30 here in the one bedroom because it doubles as the boys bedroom. I had friends that knew me and wanted to hang out. Then . . . 

I found out I was pregnant, Tim got the job in Fort Myers, and we moved our whole family to a one bedroom apartment.

And life got different - very different.

I didn't have grad school and adult conversation at night.

Instead I have a baby who is totally precious, but I have to wake up and nurse at night.

I have a 2 year old who won't stay in his bed at night, and we can't let him "cry it out" because his five year old brother is in the same room and has to get up for school the next morning.

(hello run-on sentence)

I didn't have any Bible studies (although I did start one last week that I am loving).

I didn't have any friends here.

I had no where to go to get out during the day.

I barely see my firstborn because he goes to school all day and rides with daddy to and from.

Life just got simple.

Real quick.

And I had to make a decision to go with the flow or get bitter.

I have been dealing with these feelings more lately because I am finally able to come to terms with them on some level.

Tim got some not so great news about his job this week, and I think that is what spurred me to write out all these thoughts.

We don't even know if we are staying here.

We could have to do this all over again somewhere new next year.

We are basically nomads which is something I never thought I would be.

I want stability for my family.

I want people who really know us.

I want a house with bedrooms I can lock my kids in.

(just kidding . . . kind of)

I want . . . I want . . . I want . . . (you fill in the blank).

But the conclusion the Lord just keeps bringing me back to is "GRACE FOR TODAY."

I only need what He is giving me right now.

Worrying about tomorrow or next month or next year is worthless.

God knows where we will be.

He will give me friends.

He will help me get involved where He wants me involved.

He will take care of me and my family.

When I feel like I can't last another day with no sleep . . . 

When I feel like I am buried in dishes and spit-up . . . 

When I feel like I need some adult interaction . . . 

When I feel like I can't change one more diaper . . . 

I just have to rely on His grace for today.

Cause it is there.

If I would just stop complaining and start recognizing.

(I realize the pictures have nothing to do with this post, but I figured you would like something adorable to look at while reading all this rambling).

Break

I am going to be taking a little blogging break. I am not sure how long it will be. Over the last few weeks it has become one more thing for me to check off my to-do list. I want it to always be something I enjoy, since it isn't a "have to" in my life. The second good reason for the break is my computer has finally bit the the dust. It has completely stopped working, so we only have one computer in the house. I can't always use that one when I want, and the time I do get needs to be used for school related things. Hopefully I will be back with a renewed mind for blogging in short while. Thanks for being patient with me. Our lives have just become too full, too fast.

Saving What Exactly?

So what is up with these time changes? Daylight savings happened over the weekend. We "sprung forward." Why do we need to save the daylight? Save it from what?  

I know all the background of the time changes.

Agriculture and farming and all that.

But this isn't meant to be a history lesson.

Basically, I want to complain about what this whole mess does to my children's sleep patterns.

I wish we could just pick one or the other and stick with it.

In the Spring we lose an hour of sleep (which gets picked back up in the Fall, only 6 months later).

So now my kids aren't tired at 8 because it is really 7.

They go to bed late, and then they get up later which is great on the weekends.  It puts us in a little bind on school days though.

Then in the Fall they are tired by 7 which is really 8.

And they get up at the crack of dawn because 6 is really 7.

It is all so confusing and annoying if you want my opinion.

And I know you do.

Here is the point . . . could someone please write a letter to someone who has power and get this thing sorted out?

We don't need to change the time.

Let's just leave it the way it is for goodness sake.

Moms everywhere will thank you.

 

Currently . . .

Got this idea from Ashely at The Vanilla Tulip.  Such a fun idea! Current Guilty Pleasure:  Oreos . . . and lots of them. 

 Current Nail Color:  Orchid by Love and Beauty (Forever 21's $2.80 brand.  Just my style) 

Current Drink:  Water, water, and more water.  It helps to have a pretty cup. 

Current Food:  Well, besides the oreos I have been eating a lot of deviled eggs.  Weird but yummy. 

Current Favorite Show:  I hate to say it because it is more of a love/hate relationship, but Barney is a current favorite because of the focused attention it gets from my kids.  I can actually go out in the garage to start a load of laundry and come back in to find them in the exact same spot.  That is a miracle, and I guess I have to give credit where credit is due. 

Current Read:  Still reading 11/22/63 by Stephen King.  I really do like it, but time to read is so, so, so scarce.  I can't get it done. 

Current Wish List:  A new air conditioning unit . . . like yesterday. Current Needs:  I want to say the air conditioning unit again, but that would be repetitive.  We also "need" Tim to get a new job with good health insurance.  It is so frustrating to worry about healthcare costs almost constantly, and we don't even have any major health problems. Current Weather:  70 degrees, but it is only 10:30 am.  It will hit 80 today.  Yay (insert sarcasm).  I am not ready for hot yet. 

  Current Triumphs:  This weekend I went through all the boys' clothes and organized sizes and clothes I wanted to get rid of.  I have been putting it off for forever, so I was extremely pleased to have it finished and put away. 

Current Bane of my Existence:  Like every mother . . . laundry.  Laundry is so annoying.  It isn't even the washing, but the putting away is just such a pain. 

Current Blessing:  My house.  It isn't a big or extravagant house, but I am just so blessed to be in it.  It is such a great layout for the boys to play, and after living in a smaller townhouse when George was a toddler, it is so nice to have an actual house at this point. Current Excitement:  A girls' trip with my mom, aunt, and BFF to a conference in Miami mid-March.  So excited to spend time with them and get some encouragment. 

Current Mood:  A little stressed about a presentation I have to give tonight in my School Law class. 

Current Website:  Pinterest . . . how I love thee. Wow . . . that took quite a bit more thought than I imagined.But I did enjoy it! 

Decisions

Mothering is all about decisions. Big or small, we (as mothers) feel like every decision is going to make or break our kid's life.  Do I send my kid to preschool? Where do I send my child to kindergarten? What time should I put my kid to bed? When should he nap? What should I feed him? Should I pick him up or let him "self-soothe"? How do I teach my child the value of money? When should I potty-train? Should I let my son climb up the slide in his brother's red, too-big for him, rain boots? 

And the list goes on and on . . .  We are constantly trying to be one step ahead, keeping up with each little change in the schedule. Are we ever ahead? Is it ever enough? Will we ever get to the point where we know the right decision all the time? I find myself constantly second guessing the things that I do. Most of the time I feel like I have no idea what I am doing even though I have been "practicing" for almost five years. If only I would have put him down earlier for his nap then he wouldn't be cranky. If only I would have fed him more then he wouldn't be so skinny. If only I would have put him in that school then he would be reading by now. Again, the list goes on. How do we make these monumental decisions on a daily basis and not go crazy? There is only one answer . . .  God's grace. I am so thankful that I can make wrong decisions, but my God is still there to work it all out according to His plan. I need to let it go and give it to Him. 

 He will be my safety net. He is watching out for me and my children. He loves them more than I ever could, and that is so comforting. In the day to day decision making, I don't have to worry. I don't have to doubt. I don't have to fear. God is there. He knows I only want the best for my kids. He will take care of them. 

Belated New Year's

The "in" blogger thing the past few weeks has been to post on your new year's resolutions. I have actually sat down to write a few things out, but I just can't seem to decide. Should I make lofty goals that I are sure to go unfinished? Should I put together a silly list so that I have something to show for a new year? Should I get really deep and write about how I hope this is the year for big change in our family? Should I just skip the whole trend all together? I truly couldn't decide until I sat down tonight. I am not a big believer in resolutions. I do, however, believe in goals and challenging ourselves to strive for the big things God has for us. It is January 2012. 2012. I can't believe that this is the year I will turn 30. The big 3-0. That alone seems like a good reason to evaluate how I see the next year or thirty panning out. Now I do know that absolutely nothing I plan ever happens exactly as I believe it will. I love that about God. He allows us to have the mind to plan, but He also wants us to trust him with the changes. Change is good, and we can't be too stuck on the "plan." That being said I do have some plans for 2012 . . .  I want 2012 to be a year of joy. Joy in all circumstances. I spend too much time thinking and worrying about my family's stability. Relational stability, financial stability, health stability . . .  Stability is actually overrated. There is joy in the ups and downs. There is joy in the paths that seem unstable. I want all three of my boys to see a better wife and mother than they have ever seen before. I want them to feel comfort in my actions. I want them to feel loved in the way I choose joy everyday. 2012 . . . We got this. 

The Second Born

His name is Ethan. He is his own person. He is extremely passionate at a very young age. He is quite brilliant. He is always on the go. He has excellent voice inflection when using words of a language all his own. He gives perfect hugs for no reason. He is my baby. He can be a cheese ball. 

I think second borns can get a bad rap.

They come into the world on the heels of perfection.

The first born is so anticipated and showered with anything and everything.

By the time number two comes into the world families are tired, ready, think they know what to expect.

I have been thinking lately about how little time I actually spend with Ethan alone.

It isn't that I don't want to spend time alone with him, but older brother is part of our crew too.

We usually do things as a family or I take both boys out together.

Today, after I dropped George at his morning preschool I decided to treat Ethan to a day of my undivided attention.

We went to the park, and I gave him my attention.

All to himself.

When we got home I sat on the couch, and he brought me book after book to read to him.

All to himself.

It was so wonderful to spend that quality time with him.

Time that doesn't happen unless I make it a priority.

It was so nice to allow him to have me

All To Himself.

The Last Picture

This is actually difficult to write. You may find that statement extremely lame after you read the entire post, but it is true all the same. Here is the last picture of Ethan's blankie: 

Unfortunately, that blanket is somewhere on Disney property . . . never to be found again.

When George was a baby he used a pacifier.

That little plug was like a drug.

He would be screaming and crying like a maniac, but as soon as you got him sucking he was perfectly content.

I have never taken drugs before, but that is what I hear they do to adults.

Put them in a perfect place of happiness.

Maybe I should think about taking drugs?

Anyhow . . .

Ethan never took a pacifier.

He never sucked his thumb.

He spent his infancy with no real comfort tool (unless you count my boob in his mouth every hour).

When he was around nine months old he started warming up to this blanket.

It isn't the softest blanket we own.

It wasn't given to us by any special person.

It isn't even pretty.

But for some reason he just became attached.

He would rub it on his face before falling asleep.

He loved to bite it when he was calming down.

He would hand it to me every single time I took him out of the crib, as if saying, "Mom, here take my blanket first, so I can have it while I am out and about."

He would reach for it and clench his fists when it was out of his reach.

He took it everywhere with him.

That was his comfort tool.

And we lost it.

I have tried to get him attached to all other blankets in the household, but he isn't buying it.

I feel terrible.

Just terrible.

Again, it may sound lame, but I hate that I failed him.

I know he won't remember in a few weeks.

I know I would have eventually had to break him of the habit.

Blah, blah, blah . . .

I still feel bad.

As I was thinking about it I couldn't help but look at the situation as a precursor.

A precursor to all the times I will fail my baby.

All the times I won't be able to fix what is making his heart hurt.

All the times I will watch as he is sad, and his human mommy can't do anything about it.

It is absolutely the most heart-wrenching feeling in the world.

The only thing I can do for my babies in these situations is pray that God would give them peace and comfort.

The kind of peace and comfort I can't give.

The kind only He can give.

He is a God of mercy and grace.

I am so thankful.

Ethan woke up crying the first night he didn't have his blankie.

I knew that was why.

The second night it was like nothing ever happened.

I think he is over it.

But obviously I am not.

What is wrong with this picture?

What is wrong with this picture? 

If you recognized that the bottom half of the tree is missing ornaments, then you win a prize.

We have had to take off every single ornament below the mid-line if we wanted it to be safe.

You see, we have a little toddler terror who loves to take each ornament off and smash it if it is smashable.

Is smashable a word?

Moving on . . .

I really love this picture though, despite the unevenness of the ornament placement.

I love that it depicts the stage of life we are in.

I know we will have many pretty, perfectly symetrical trees in the furture.

What we won't ever have again are the times when our life screamed no symmetry,

no perfectness,

no exactness,

never immaculate,

and definitely no order.

All because of these two precious boys that God has so graciously blessed us with.

And I would pick them over all the order in the world.

Every. Single. Time.

Tired, Again

Never a dull moment around here. Things are extra crazy, and I can't seem to put a coherent sentence together. I am just. so. tired. I can't seem to catch up. Bed is calling, so I must answer. I know this was the lamest post ever, but I didn't want to leave you hanging. Big things tomorrow, I promise:)

The Holiday Season 2011

One of my goals this holiday season has been to concentrate more on the little moments that come in between the hustle and bustle.   These are the memories I want forever stored in my brain. 

 I get so busy during the holidays (and I know I am not the only one). Just this week we have a Bible study Christmas tea, a party to make reindeer shirts at George's preschool where I am a helper, a youth group (where Tim serves on Wednesday nights) Christmas party, our church married group Christmas party, George's church Christmas program dress rehearsal and actual program, George's school Christmas program, and a women's craft exchange party.  Just typing that out makes me tired. And it isn't that I don't enjoy all those things, because I absolutely do. I just don't want to miss out on the little things when our calendar is full of so many big things. I want to savor the moments that we have our little family all together just hanging around the house in our pajamas. Those are my favorite moments of the holidays. That is where I see the most Jesus in my life. He has given me so many blessings. First and foremost being this little family that I call my own. These boys that are so special and have shown me more love than I could have ever imagined. They have taught me so much. Let the holiday season of 2011 be one of little moments for you too. It makes all the difference. Trust me.

I'm blank because . . .

Got this cute idea from Little Miss Momma. 

 I'm weird because . . . I can never, ever eat or drink anything with an expired date.I love change, like I thrive on it.I enjoy school, always have.I hate washing dishes, but I never use my dishwasher.I hate feeding my kids unhealthy food, but it doesn't bother me one bit to put it in my own mouth.I stress about my kids naps.I am not a newborn fan . . . at about 4 months I get into it (it being babies).I have an extremely hard time getting rid of clothes, because what if I need that dress I had in eighth grade for something, ya know?My favorite food is cookie cake, but it has to be American Cookie Company.I don't like to snuggle if I am trying to go to sleep. I'm a bad friend because . . . I hardly ever answer my phone.I have little to no time to devote to friendship at this point in my life.I am becoming more of a homebody as we add kids to our brood.I am incredibly forgetful and absent-minded. I am a good friend because . . . I love a lot.I am genuinely happy when my friends succeed.I am loyal.I love throwing wedding and baby showers.I don't mind if you call me in the middle of the night (can't promise I'll answer, but I don't mind the call). I am sad because . . . My grandma and namesake won't be a part of our holidays this year.My sister-in-law's dog was hit by a car today and died.  The family is taking it hard.Sometimes I feel like I can't do anything right.I don't have time to make all my good ideas come to fruition.Some people won't get a Christmas this year. I am happy because . . . Thanksgiving is Thursday, and we are hosting.God has blessed our family with so much more than we deserve.I love my boys so much it hurts.We have food on our table.I have already started Christmas shopping. I am excited for . . . Both sides of our family to be together in one place for four days.Black Friday Extravaganza.Cooler weather, whenever it decides to get here.Change, whenever it comes.George in his first Kids' Christmas program at church this year.Two fried turkeys. Cool idea, right?

What the Dinosaur Taught Me

Today I want to talk about fear.

 It is not a very fun subject, but I have been thinking about it a lot lately. Or rather . . . maybe God has been bringing it to my mind lately. This weekend we went to Disney World for Epcot's food and wine festival.(I will have a full update post later in the week). While we were there we spent a day at Animal Kingdom.They have a ride there called "Dinosaur." It is a pretty intense ride that is very dark and twisty. George went on this ride in September when we were there with Tim's sister's family.  All his cousins rode it with him, and he didn't really seem scared at all. He told us he wanted to ride it again this weekend, so I took him while Tim took Ethan to a playground somewhere else in the park. While we were on the ride, George grabbed my leg a few times, but he didn't scream or cry or give any real inclinations that he was super scared. After it was over I asked him if he liked it and he nodded his head "yes."  There was a short line, so we decided to ride again before meeting up with Daddy and brother. While we were in line the second time, he started getting squeamish and said he didn't want to ride with me again.  He wanted his daddy to go with him this time. We found Tim, and he took him back to the entrance to ride. About ten minutes later Tim and George appeared in front of me.  I asked how they liked the ride, and Tim said George chickened out.   He decided he didn't want to ride again. I was sort of taken aback by the fact that he didn't want to ride something he had already experienced twice before.  Why would he be afraid of something he had already come through? Doesn't that sound backward? Shouldn't we be scared of the unknown, not the known? But aren't we like that too? Sometimes after I experince something I am more scared I will have to experience it again. Before it happens I can live in ignorance on the subject. After it happens, I have to face the facts that it was hard, and it was ugly. I can think of so many instances of this in my life. For example, Childbirth - George's delivery was not pretty.  I was definitely more scared for Ethan's. As I began thinking through these different scenarios, I wondered if this is God's design or our manipulation. I truly don't think God wants us to fear circumstances.  Ever. Especially after He brings us through them. We should breath a sigh of relief after He carries us through the storm. Sometimes we feel like we could never live through _____________.  (You fill in the blank because we all have them). If we go through something we don't think we could ever make it through, we have seen the distinct evidence of God's grace in carrying us through.  That is something to be cherished, not fearful of. His arms are our strength and confidence. He can bring us through anything.   Anything.   Even the things we don't think we could ever handle.   Especially not the second time around. 

Can You Relate?

I am tired.

 Tired of my poor oldest baby having a sore throat.

Tired of my second cold in three months (very unusual for me).

Tired of being up all night like I have a newborn.

Tired of living in the in between.

Tired just thinking about all I have to do for the holidays.

Tired of my busy schedule.

Tired of not being able to go to the bathroom without interruption.

Tired of always (and I mean always) having dishes in my sink.

 Tired of my husband working long hours.

Tired of . . . you get the idea.

 What am I not tired of?  I am not tired of the extra cuddles the four year old gives when he doesn’t feel good. I am not tired of my toddler’s smile. I am not tired of my beautiful house the Lord provided. I am not tired of the gorgeous shower my husband finally finished in our bathroom.I am not tired of my kids’ giggles. I am not tired of the precious minutes I get to spend late in the evening with just my husband. I am not tired of the gorgeous weather we have been having. I am not tired of family photos. I am not tired of filling our tummies at dinner. I am not tired of . . . again, you get the idea.
 The “not tireds” definitely outweigh the “tireds,” but I am still tired.  Just tired.  Ever get that feeling?

When God Stays The Same

Well, we have some news around here in the Bettelli house.  It isn't necessarily "good" news, but it is already teaching me some things.  Big things, in my opinion. George (the 4 yr. old) had an appointment with an ear, nose, and throat specialist yesterday.Our pediatrician found that his tonsils were enlarged when he had his four year old check-up. She didn't seem too concerned, but told me to make an appointment with the ENT just to hear what his expert opinion was. We got that expert opinion yesterday, and it totally threw me for a loop. Before we went I was contemplating how I was going to reason with the doctor that we did not want our son to have surgery.  I am not against surgery in all situations, but I do believe that doctors push surgery in some situations to make money.  C-sections and tonsilectomies seem to be at the top of that list from my experience.  So I was ready to give all sorts of reasons why this was not a good option for my boy.  Anyways, when the Physician's Assistant came in she checked his throat and said the dreaded "C" word.  As in cancer.  As in there is a possibility my son has cancer. I was not prepared for this.  At all. When the doctor came in he confirmed the chance that cancer could be there. George has one severely enlarged tonsil.  When both are enlarged then there is an infection, but when only one is enlarged it can be two scenarios.  The first (and worst) is cancer.  The second is an encapsulated bacteria.  According to this doc George has one of these two things. The cancer option is a lot less likely, but he went on to tell us about a family who was in the same situation and decided not to have the surgery.  Their child died within twelve months.  We could talk to that family if we want.  Um, no thanks. Obviously, while in the office I was in shock.  I had Ethan with me as well, so I was trying to keep him quiet and think about all the things I wanted to ask at the same time.  I also didn't want to freak George out because he is extremely perceptive and picks up on my emotions extremely quickly.   As we left I began thinking (wow, profound, I know).  I thought about all the worst case scenarios.  I thought about the fact that God is sovereign.  Which doesn't mean that the best case scenario in our mind always works out. This whole process has me meditating on the fact that God's ways are not our ways. We don't want George to have surgery, let alone the possibility of this horrible disease that takes lives. We don't want to have to put our four year old under anesthesia. We don't want to have to sit in a waiting room not knowing what the doctor will say when he walks out. We don't want to wait for biopsy reports. We don't want to do a lot of things. But God allows these things to happen to bring Him glory and to show us grace. I have learned in my short life that I can't put stock in what humans say they "know."  We know nothing. I know that this ENT may think it isn't cancer, but it very well could be. I know that the doctor could have told me he was 100 percent sure it was cancer, and then it might not be. I know that God controls this situation.  Not me.  Not George.  Not the ENT. God alone.

Does this ever happen to you?

I hope I am not the only one this happens to.  I need help with the psychology of this problem, so if you have any insight please send it my way. I have this problem with making a long to-do list.  I try to keep it within the confines of time in one day, but it is usually overly ambitious if I am being honest.  That is not the problem, though. I make this to-do list, but instead of doing the things on it that are of the most importance or highest priority I do other things.  Not things like watch tv or take a nap (which I do my fair share of), but things that aren't even fun.   Yesterday I had a list with things like sending cards, doing Bible study, starting my 20 (yes, TWENTY or more) page paper for grad school,  putting away laundry that has been washed but unfolded for two weeks or more (I lost count), and so on on it.  You get the idea. But what did I spend the majority of my day doing? I switched my boys' wardrobes from summer/spring to fall/winter.  Yep, that is right.  I went through each and every item they had in their closet and drawers and picked out the things that didn't fit or weren't season appropriate.  Then I went through the bins and bins of clothes we have stored away and picked out things that fit and were season appropriate.  Then I had to hang all of that up.  Took quite some time.   

 Was that even on the to-do list?  Nope. Have I done this to my closet, you might ask?  Nope.  And I probably won't. Is it getting cold where we live?  Nope.  High of like 85 today. Do I enjoy doing this?  Nope.  Getting my kids to try on clothes is like torture. So please, someone tell me why I would sway away from a perfectly appropriate and un-fun to-do list to do something less appropriate and even more un-fun? I have no answers today, only questions.